The Real “Bad Words” We Need to Watch

We think words like sh*t and fu*ck are offensive. As a society, we’ve generally agreed these words can be very negative, especially when used by children. They’re labeled as “bad words,” carrying some sort of harm in the world.

Now, I’m a swearer. I’m more casual about the issue. I’m not suggesting we all start swearing constantly. It would lose it's effect and fun, and yes, swearing can absolutely be harmful when used in anger or to belittle others. What I am suggesting is this: all the effort we put into regulating profanity could be applied to something far more damaging: the language of should haves and what ifs.

The True Harmful Words

As a psychotherapist, a mother, a wife, and an anxiously wired human being, I think about mental suffering often. One day I had an epiphany: words like “should have” and “what if” cause far more damage to us than profanity ever could.

Think about it. When you hear “you should have” or “what if,” either from others or from the critical voice in your own head, what do you feel? Guilt? Shame? Fear? Inadequacy? Panic? Unworthiness?

Does hearing “sh*t” make you feel that way? Probably not. But still, we focus on censoring profanity. I propose we censor the true culprits: should haves and what ifs.

We need to stop “should-ing” on ourselves and others. We need to stop “what-ifing” our lives away. Imagine what we’d feel if we made this our focus! If we intentionally practiced removing these from our internal and external dialogue.

Anxiety, Depression, and the Past/Future Trap

It’s often said:

• Depression = too much focus on the past.

• Anxiety = too much focus on the future.

Should haves keep us stuck in the past. What ifs keep us spinning in the future. Both keep us out of the only place we can actually live: the present.

That is my mission in life: to live consciously in the present and help others do the same. The present is where clarity, opportunity, and lightness live.

Now, people often say: “But I need to reflect on the past to learn” or “I need to plan for the future.” Yes, reflecting and planning are important. But there’s a difference between mindful reflection and obsessive rumination.

Healthy reflection means owning a mistake, learning from it, and letting it go. Rumination layers on shame: “I should have done better. I’m not good enough.” That leads directly to fear: “What if I make the same mistake again? What if I fail?”

This cycle shrinks our lives. Fear of judgment and failure leads us to take fewer risks. Eventually, we avoid and shrink away from the potential of our true selves.

Practicing Trust in Ourselves

Instead of should-ing and what-ifing, let’s practice trusting ourselves and trusting our humanness. Trust our ability to risk, feel deeply, make mistakes, learn, and try again.

Consider these examples:

Your child doesn’t make the soccer team.If you say, “You should have practiced more,” they feel guilt and shame, and may ruminate endlessly: “If I had done X, I could have avoided this.”

You don’t get a promotion at work.Your mind says: “You should have stayed late. You should have worked harder.” Then comes the spiral: “What if I never get promoted? What if my partner thinks I’m a failure?”

Both examples show how “should” and “what if” increase suffering.

Healthier Alternatives

With your child:“That’s a bummer about soccer. What would you like to do next?”Now they can stay present, take consistent action, and keep practicing.

With yourself at work:“I’m disappointed I didn’t get the promotion. I’ll get feedback, apply what I can, and keep working.”This keeps the focus on meaningful present actions, not imagined future catastrophes.

When the mind starts should-ing or what-ifing, try saying:“Thanks, but I’m not focusing on that. I’ll take meaningful action today and trust the process.”

Mindfulness and Cognitive Strategies

Evidence-based mindfulness and cognitive-behavioral strategies help us understand how our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors connect; and how most importantly we can practice responding differently.

Mindfulness is not about escaping or suppressing. It’s about noticing and accepting the present moment without judgment. It’s pausing, becoming aware, and learning to watch what happens inside and around you.

This awareness lets you:

• Catch mistakes without spiraling.

• Notice judgment before acting on it.

• Dial down mental noise.

• Experience your full emotional and physical range.

Living in the Present

When we live more mindfully, we spend less time in should haves and what ifs. Maybe the goal isn’t to eliminate them completely, but to recognize them for what they are: distractions from the present.

Mindfulness helps us stop projecting these burdens onto others too. Instead of adding guilt, shame, or fear into the world, we can offer presence, compassion, and encouragement.

Because ultimately, profanity may raise eyebrows, but “should haves” and “what ifs” wound hearts and shrink lives.